I used to think that if a friendship ended, there had to be a reason – either a big disagreement, a move across the country, or some other dramatic change.
But lately, I’ve realized that adult friendships rarely end with a bang, and they tend to end with a drift.
I got back from a trip recently with that classic post-vacation clarity – the kind where I looked at my calendar and asked, “Is this how I want to spend my time?”
It made me look at my social circle. I love my friends, but it made me notice that my circle has definitely gotten smaller.
The “Too Busy” Trap
I fell into the standard adult playbook: jobs, responsibilities, exhaustion. I stopped hosting the dinner parties I used to throw pre-COVID. I traded deep conversations for monthly catch-ups.
I realized that often, when a friendship starts to fade, it’s because I let it happen. Not because I didn’t care, but because it was easier.
Brené Brown talks about how we try to avoid vulnerability because it feels unsafe. And she’s right – after a certain point, it’s uncomfortable for me to text someone I haven’t talked to in a long time and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” It feels really out there after a while. And part of that is because I deactivated my social media for a while.
So instead, I just ended up not doing anything. I chose the safety of the status quo over the awkwardness of reaching out.
And to be fair, it’s a two-way street. The other person could reach out, too. We share the ownership of that silence. But it doesn’t really matter right? All it takes is one person to reach out.
Breaking the Cycle
I’ve been reading Call Me First by Damian Lewis, and while it’s written as a blueprint for leadership at home, it hit me that I’ve been failing to lead in my friendships.
The book talks about the necessity of breaking cycles: interrupting the patterns that hold us back.
The “drift” is just a pattern of passivity. I’ve been waiting for my friends to strike up a conversation, to check in, to make the plan – a pattern of passivity.
But as Lewis points out, true leadership among people isn’t about who’s in control, it’s about who’s taking responsibility.
If I want a strong circle, I have to be the one to build it. And if I want friends who call me, I have to be the person who calls them first. Less “I wonder what they’re up to,” and more “I’ll call them right now.”
My new blueprint is simple: Stop repeating the past, and start leading with intention. So that starts with me picking up the phone.
Kim H. Nguyen 